love is all there is...

I did good on my first three days of fasting. Then I got super dizzy and ate a little, which of course turned into a binge, which of course I threw up. I continued for the next few days, but I didnt lose any weight really. So here I am stuck at one pound less than I was a week ago. I am a failure.

So what do you think I am doing right now? Hell. Damn it. I am eating. Alot. I think I have had near 2000 calories in about an hour. Of course, when I passed the 500 calorie limit for the day I decided I might as well keep going, to hell with it. If I have to purge, might as well make it worth it right? This is going to suck, though, I know it. What if my gag reflex won't work? I will gain 2 lbs overnight, for sure.

I need to try harder to be nice to people. I think I am not nice enough. I also need to work harder, longer. I dont need a rest. I need to work. When this job ends, I will have to go look for a new one. I will make sure I get more hours than I can handle. Its hard to work and go to school, but I am not weak. I will do it, damn it. Fucking shit I will do it. And starting tomorrow I will pick my exercise up to 2 hours a day minimum. Tough shit if I feel tired. I can rest when it is done.

As far as eating goes, I give myself one week to lose my next 5 pounds. That means I can only have 100 calories per day, including liquids. I was going to go buy myself a new pair of jeans tomorrow, a pair which actually fit. But seeing as how I fucked up and ate, I think I need to punish myself by wearing my oversize ugly clothing everywhere I go. The ridicule and humiliation will teach me a good lesson.

I will make myself look at those jeans that fit me, and I can't wear them until I lose five pounds. And that is that.

Oh lord will I never reach 90 pounds?

Sigh.

Other than that, it has been a good day. It was a perfect day until I decided to eat that fucking 120 calorie sandwhich. Which turned into 2000 calories.

I am a failure pig girl.

Im going to bed.

peace.