love is all there is...

People at work are asking questions. They inquire of me what I ate today, yet I feel it should be none of their concern. I lost those damn two pounds again. I will keep them off. I have had, um, maybe 100 calories today. Lots of coffee too. Coffee is the most immaculate beverage creation ever! It makes me all warm and cozy, and it tastes good and makes me feel full.

Anyway, one girl asked if I am anorexic. Well, hell, I don't even know what I am these days. I don't eat. Or I eat too much and throw it up. Of course, I didn't mention that. She told me I am not eating right, that I need to eat to keep my metabolism up. I insisted that I was eating.

To hell with them. All that did was motivate me to eat less :) Thanks, fellow employees. They trigger me anyway. They are all so thin, and perfect. Huddling in corners and chat, looking oh-so-content. I want to be thin and content, as they are, so I like to use them in my mind as a trigger.

Anyhow, I ended up eating about 1300 calories last night. No, silly, I didn't keep it down. No way in hell.

I am enjoying the holiday's this year. I have not smoked crack or snorted coke, or done any ecstasy, or even been strung out on booze in 12 months (well, as of the 26th of December). I can't wait. I think I will treat myself that day by eating zero calories. I may fast from the 26th to the 1st of January.

One of my resolutions is to stop smoking. Its so hard though! I will do it, damn it. I can do it. I refuse to be weak. I can not be weak.

Life hurts. I was thinking about people today, and why life hurts. It hurts because there are people around me. When I was in the streets, with those animalistic freaks, life didn't hurt. Yet, my lack of life tried to hurt. Hah, I cured that shit, didn't I? Or did I? I think I just prolonged it, in the end, and made it worse.

I feel as though I should be writing something profound and astounding. Yet, I have nothing profound or astounding to say. I just have my cozy cloak of pain and thorns to share with you. Are you cold? There is more room in here *giggles*.

My finger nails are blue. Yes, blue. And I like it. It makes me different from the other people around me. I did think about painting my nails, to hide it. But no one really notices, and I like to look at them.

I have been a lazy fat ass lately, at least as far as exercise is concerned. I should be able to jog more than 20 minutes after 9 hours of work. Sometimes I can exercise for like, 4 hours or more. Well, enough of me.

So tell me about you, dear world. Tell me how you feel. Do you feel poisoned? Abused? If I were you, I would be splitting into pieces from fury. I mean, you are so neglected and unappreciated. Well, dear trash-ridden world, I appreciate you. Do you forgive me for that time I littered? There may have been more than one.

I bet my readers think I am insane. To hell with them too. I am enjoying this. Its fun to say everything you think. Perhaps you should all try it. I must warn you , however, it will seriously deprive you of popularity. Combine it with antisocialism and shyness, anger and sarcasm, and you should be destined to ever be alone. It is perfect if you want to hide out, or fade away. Like me. Its perfect for me. It's like a mask. A secret mask. All mine.

Anyway, dear readers, I hope that these boring updates and blatant narrations haven't completely bored you to tears, and sent you running from my pages in absolute abhorrence. And if it has, well too bad for you.

Consider me an experiment.