love is all there is...

Life: A Box
10:34 p.m || 2002-10-28
I went to the hospital to see my nephew. I didnt even bother for permission, just went. (For those who missed the entry, there was an issue with my sister when she went into labor. She did not want me to come to the hospital blah blah blah. Anyway, the original entry made me sound like a serious cry baby, so I deleted it.) He's so cute! My sister had a c section. Heh she had some serious complications with him. If something had happened to her and I didnt even get to see her. ...

His name is Gage Thomas Puckett. Hes so big too, 9 pounds!

My friend wired me some money to help me out. I went to pick it up and the people at the store were so rude to me. I started to panic, and they didnt want to give me my money. I paniced because I felt like they were judging me. Actually that doesnt even begin to explain it. I cant explain it. Its why I dont go to clubs. Its why I wont go to the movies alone, or with anyone but my mother (for some reason despite our not so great relationship I feel.. safe .. when she is with me). Its this crushing, suffocating, paralyzing feeling. Lots of people, and I dont fit in. I am neither invisible or part of them. I can feel thier loathing. Random strangers peering at me. Seeing all my sins spread out on my skin like a jigsaw puzzle that someone spilt coolaid on. This makes no fucking sense to anyone. I panic. I want to shrink and dissapear. I dont care what they think of me really, but I dont want to be seen. Stared at. Looked at. By anyone. I have no friends and this is my fault now I think. I have built a wall and I panic when someone tries to get near it. When I have to interact with people and I dont feel just right at the time. When I have to go shopping and I am not dressed just so. When I have to turn my paper in at school and I am in jogging clothes when I drop it off. Its like a flattening force and it sucks the life out of me and I freak.

Does this even make sense? What is wrong with me!? Its akin to when I would be high and my friends would want to go out, and I would panic because I didnt want anyone to see me the way I was. I didnt want to see anyone else the way I was. I didnt feel *right*.

I never feel right. I never am in place. I want a wall around me so thick that no one can even see me. I dont know what the hell I am saying.

Melissa, a girl at work, wants me to go to a club with her on halloween. I said I will go. But I wont. Because though I feel comfortable around her, one on one at work, I would panic if I had to interact with her friends, the people at the club.. anyone.

My sister asked me to hang out with her and her friends once, a long time ago. I wouldnt go. Because though I dont feel too weird around my sister ( hell she IS my sister you know), I couldnt possibley breathe around her friends. I would be smothered and suffocate and possibley die. I dont know how to explain this. Anyway, my chest aches right now. Im so sad. I thought if I quit doing drugs life would be perfect, everything would be A OK. I thought I would live normal, think normal, feel normal ... whatever normal is. By normal I mean halfway sane. I just feel insane and out of control . I am losing the fake grip on reality that I have clung to for these last few months.

So eats of the day :

1 french fry

1/2 pear

thats it.

No b/p BS today.

I hate all my clothes. they are all wrong wrong wrong.

Im sure if anyone reads this you must htink I am such a sniveling whining baby. That I am so very melodramtic and melancholy and stupid. If you think that, too bad. I am a strong person. I am just losing my grip. I dont know if I will ever be able to muster what I need to get it back.

I am melodramatic and melancholy and sad and confused and scared and alone and hurt and I want to hide hide hide.

But I wont. Because its not me. And dont tell anyone I admitted this crazy shit, because its not me either. No one would recognize *this* as me. No one who knew me anyway. Apparently that leaves no one.

If you are tired of hearing about my life theatrics, about how I wallow in my self pity then you are reading the wrong story. I do not pity myself. I do not wallow in the feelings that I have. I want to pick up my eraser and scratch them off the page.

Well anyway, Other than that it was a good day. I am quitting smoking tomorrow. God only knows how I will function without them but I must. I MUST. I dont want to smell like smoke anymore. It makes me feel dirty. I feel dirty enough as it is. Something has to give. Maybe this will do the trick. I can do it. I am a stubborn ass bitch. Ill be damned if some little box of death that I paid way too much for is going to *beat me*.

I didnt go to class. Honestly I was just not feeling up to it. I didnt work sunday either. I need to get out of this rut and at least fake being able to live. I dont dare let anyone see ..

Wednesday I have class again. Whee fun *sarcasm*. I hope I did well on my essay. Who knows.

This isnt a bad entry actually I may copy and paste it in my journal. Then again I may cut it and past it there and post nothing here at all. Because I know the lovely, sweet, sad, hurt, and sick people of TF need to hear happiness, success, and motivation *something to help*.

Not the story of a failing girl.



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