love is all there is... | |
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4:53 p.m. || 2003-01-31 | I reached my first goal weight today. I am happy, but not as happy as I had expected to be. I don't feel nearly as thin as I thought I would. In fact, I feel fatter. I've been doing good on binging and purging. Only once in the last four days :) Three of those days I didn't eat a single food calorie (a little diet v8 but that is juice.. not really food.. still, it's (fattening) calories I guess). I am frustrated to death with my essay assignment. Normally I can bust out an "A" essay like there is no tomorrow. This one is different, however. I have to find a poem, analyze it, answer these four stupid questions, and use those answers to write an essay. I have to explain how the diction, tone, etc. all tie into the deeper meaning. It is a royal fucking pain and I will be glad when it is written. Mom made me go shopping with her today. I learned something new: Sam's Club is the place to go when you have no money and want free binge food. Those people were trying to feed me something different every 2 minutes! I have been rather concerned about my poor teeth. One in particular is becoming quite painful. I just got laid off, of course, and I can't really afford the dentist. I think I am going to try and go when I get my income tax return, as well as hit the womens free (gyno) clinic that I found. I can't do much about getting a health check up for now I am afraid, because I have to pay out of pocket for my psychiatrist appointment in the end of February. I am very nervous about all of these doctors. Shit, I don't know if I can do it but I'm going to try damn it. I am a failure at my attempt to stop smoking. I will try again when this damnable pack runs out. I found a broken stashed smoke in my room in a drawer on my second day smoke free, and of course I am too weak to say no *chuckle*. Alas, I will get it right before I go to germany. Everything has to be just perfect when I go. Everything. Well, I have to get cracking on this essay, lest I procrastinate too long and find myself with a big fat "F".
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