love is all there is... | |
|
10:34 p.m. || 2003-02-02 | Today I took a good hard look at myself and tried to make some decisions about my life and the way it is going. I have been pretty numb the last couple of days, because I haven't eaten except what I threw up every 2 to 4 days or so and I get feeling pretty *non* after so long without any nourishment whatsoever. Its a nice way to avoid myself. Anyway, I was doing fine on fasting for the last two days, then all of a sudden I just went and got food and ate and ate and ate.. and purged. I paused in a moment of dizziness, and as I sat there, I became very sad. It was like suddenly I was looking down on myself... a fat girl sitting there with saliva dripping off my hands, my nose running, throat scratched and painful.. eyes watery from either tears or effort, I never can tell which. Towels with vomit on them spread around me on the floor, balled up in corners too.. cupcake crumbs on the thin carpet... clothing with vomit that I wash over and over because it never seems to come clean. Containers filled with expelled food hidden in the trash can, the closet, under the bed... Something has to give. I have been doing this too long. I don't want to eat, because I am scared that I will never be able to stop...I need to stop throwing up, but what if I eat too much? How can I fix it if I don't throw up?
Only, I don't know if I *can* stop. I was asking myself in my head today: Jodee, do you think you can really stop? Really? You can't even stop smoking, you fat slob, how will you stop throwing up? Why do you want to? WHY!? Why can't I stop. So I haven't come to any definate conclusion as of yet. It never really crossed my mind to stop, or that maybe I couldn't stop. Until today. I don't know what happened.. I don't know. But I wish it hadn't. I would prefer to remain naive, you know? Now I have to think about it, and it's gonna torture me. I made up a food plan for the week, under 30g of carbs per day. I read that if you stay under 30g you will go into ketosis, so I made up some low calorie menus for the next 5 days or so, consisting mostly of salad and eggs and meats and vegetable burgers and cheese. I'm going to try really hard to follow it. I have got to stop eating somehow. It freaks me out how I can't stop. It worries me when I open a drawer in my room and find hoarded food hidden there; cakes, pies, candies, crackers, cereals.. I bought just to hide here. So much money spent on nothing. I throw most of it away, either by eating and throwing up or in fits of anger at myself sometimes, I trash it all. Is this really me? Back when I was getting high, I was too busy worrying about smoking crack to throw up. I only worried about it when I happened to get sober for a day or two, panicing because I would get so fucking hungry.. I would wake up several times a night to eat and eat, and eat..to fill some fucking impossible and endless void. Though this was possibly from the months of not eating more than once a week... and the malnutrition caused by my lifestyle.. But I was frightened of gaining weight. I hated it when they called me fat.. chubby.. Grody Jodee.. in school. I tried so hard to be like them, to be a cheerleader like them, to do my hair like them. But I was fat then.. and I got thin. I threw up, I got high, and I got thin. Please, don't let me gain weight... my desperate daily prayer, my recovery plea.. Yet I did gain weight, as I knew I would, when I stopped getting high. I just ate and ate and ate... The same as I always have when I wasn't starving myself, only I always threw up or starved even longer and it didn't matter then. I didn't throw up those first few months. I wish I had.. I never would be this fat now. And I wish I had never started throwing up again. I wish I loved myself. I wish I didn't look at my body in the mirror and see rolls of hideous fat and scars and disgusting girl standing in front of me. I wish I didn't scratch holes in my skin...I wish my face wasn't so blotchy especially when I am cold, but that it would be the colour of smooth cream instead.. I wish I had perfect eyebrows, that I didn't destroy them and struggle everyday to let them be..I wish I didn't cry inside when I see my reflection. I wish I could cry real tears, so maybe I wouldn't feel so broken and torn up inside. I wish I didn't have to hide my face in public so no one can see how ugly I am. I wish that I wasn't afraid to smile. I wish I didn't have to stare at the floor whenever someone catches my eye in the hallways at school, because I know they can see how ugly I am.. inside and out. I know they judge me negatively. More than all that, I wish I was fucking normal. I have never been normal (whatever that may be). I am tired, so tired, of trying to live, to function, to get through another day. Anyway, so I am trying to tackle this question I have about throwing up... trying to figure out how realistic stopping actually is.. I don't know. I just don't know. I know I don't want to eat normally. I know I want to continue to lose weight. It's a neverending story it seems. Where is my happily ever after I wonder.
|