love is all there is...

cracked Leather and a Mute horse
7:31 p.m. || 2003-02-04

tethered to a feces-encrusted poll

She sang with no tongue in a pretend sort of way

impossible to guess

what she really meant

that Day;



tethered there like a mule

She sang with no voice to her cafeteria tray

impractical to place

what she really said

that Day;



strapped in position

She sang with a mouth made of red Georgia clay

infeasible to calculate

what she really declared

that Day.



as if She were nothing but cracked Leather on the muzzle of a Mute horse

whispered that Day

and Tethered

to never

say.



Nothing terribly exciting occurred today. Well, other than my teacher asking me if I am losing weight, and if I am doing it in a healthy manner. I nodded and bolted out of the room, needless to say. It makes me sad that he might think something is wrong with me, because shouldn't someone other than my teacher notice? At the same time, I am glad he noticed. I want him to worry. When I lose more weight, I want him to notice and worry more. Isn't that selfish of me? :(

I just want someone to care about me is all. No, not in that way. I would never think of my English professor like that. I don't think of much of anyone like that, truth be told. I don't know, it's just that it was so odd that someone noticed me. I thought I would faint right there in class. What if I lose more weight (and I will) and he worries more? Then I will feel sad. Sad and happy...It also made me want to lose more weight quick. It was very motivating in a very sick way.

I didn't throw up today. I did last night. Times two actually. But not today, though the day is not quite over yet. I feel very ill. I know if I throw up it will make me feel better. I feel so dead and disgusting, like a hunk of heavy rotten meat. My mouth has the most horrendous taste in it. I feel like throwing up. I had 2 salads, a couple tortilla chips, a half a cup of yogurt, a half of an apple and a few dry chex pieces today. I just ate the three or four chex pieces, but it is making my stomach upset. I swear I could lean over and vomit right here on my computer. But I am trying not to. I can make it. One day is better than no days. I am trying to hold out until Friday, but I am afraid if I wait that long I will feel so ill I won't be able to function. We shall see I guess.

I don't have much to say really, other than that little news about my professor. It has put a damper on my entire day. I think I might cry next time I talk to him. I guess I just won't talk to him again. Am I dumb or what?

Oh, I got my car fixed today. Had to shell out 326 bucks. That added to the 80 dollars I spent on pj's, an organizer, and foods that lack much caloric value has me about broke. Also depressing, and my unemployment has been approved but it won't let me claim. It is fucked up. They owe me 160 bucks so far, and won't even talk to me on the phone. The bitch I talked to got a real snotty attitude and basically told me I was S.O.L.

Heh figures. Guess that is the way life goes though, eh? I need to toughen up, I suppose. I used to be so much tougher than this. Wonder what happened to me. At least no one in the real world see's the real me. I am just a mean, insufferable, moody as hell discomfort of everyday life to them.

Sigh. Well I guess I am going to go hole up in my room and try not to think about how sad I feel. I have been really sad lately. Today it is even worse. Maybe when I see the psychiatrist I can get something to help my anxiety/sadness/mental malfunction (as if). Maybe he will shoot me a Rx of xanax so I can konk out and float on a cloud.



<<< || >>>