love is all there is...

I am also not doing so well with smoking. I hope the nicotine gum I ordered gets here soon. I spent too much money lately also. I feel like a total wreck. And a failure. And really really fat. What is wrong with me :(

Not much to say because I am so upset with myself. I binged and purged 5 times since yesterday. I feel like crap. I am up a couple pounds. I just took a handful of laxatives. Tomorrow is a new day. My plan goes into effect tomorrow. I also made a list of five safe foods. It can change every week, but only five foods can be on it. This week it contains boiled eggs, salad, fruit, fiber one, and yogurt. I am so so sad. I want to cut myself. Something to make me feel better :(

I rode past the neighborhood I used to get high in.. and do all the things I used to do in...on my way to fix my unemployment claim (it was all messed up). I wanted to jump out of the car and run and just keep running. Forever. I want to die right now. Not kill myself, persay, just go to sleep and never get up. It is so hard to live. I am so tired of being sad. I am so tired of not being able to control myself. I see people with so many more problems than myself, and I miss the point in time that I had a right to feel this way. I don't have a right anymore to be this way. I don't have an excuse, or a reason. No one is beating me anymore. No one has raped me lately. I have not been homeless lately, or forsaken by my family lately. I don't sell my body for food, rent, and drugs anymore. I don't wander around the streets at night scared and alone anymore. No one has locked me in their basement and made me fuck every man and boy who came in the building lately. None of my guy friends have smacked me across the face lately and claimed they loved me. Hell I dont even have any friends, male or female. Point is, nothing bad has happened to me for a year or so. Probably more. Whatever bad stuff happened last year I deserved anyway. This agony.. I have no fucking right to feel like this. It is not fair for me to be this way when there are people with real problems out there who have a right to be depressed and self destructive.

Sometimes I want to post at the message boards.. because I want to hear kind words. I want some love and hugs and comfort, you know. But I don't have the right. I don't have a reason. But I am in so much pain...so so much. My soul just hurts. Every waking moment.. even in my sleep. I cry in my fucking sleep for gods sake. I can't even cry when I am awake. And I don't deserve any kindness or comforting words. Because I don't have the right to be this way anymore.

I just don't.

A little snippet from my accountability. I am putting it here because I really really need to be able to see this every single day. I would print it up but mom or someone might see it and then I would be done for. Man I could use a Xanax right now, seriously.

Bleh I had a crappy day. I b/ped and ate too much.... anyway. I am making a new plan. Here and now, damn it, and I will STICK TO IT! Because I can and I know I can. I do not need to b/p! (Well, I do, but I need to stop more) Here is my plan starting tomorrow.

Exercise at least 1 hour everyday, tired or not.

DO not eat past 6 pm. Have Breakfast every day at or before 10 am.

Eat at least 600 calories per day, even if I am fucking scared. I will not gain weight on 600 calories. I should stop being so ridiculous.

Once a week I will have a 900 calorie day. To catch up on nutrients and to try and avoid possible b/p's caused by restricting.

When I get stressed out, I will exercise, write, walk, dance, masturbate, whatever I need to do but I will not b/p. If anyone is available often to PM on AIM that would help me alot. It is hard to not to purge when I have done it for so many years without a second thought. I have to remember that I am trying to stop. Sometimes I just do it and don't even think about it, til I am sitting on the floor with bleeding lips/knuckles/throat gagging. I know that sounds stupid. It is true.

I will not fast, except for the last three days of each month, if I so choose.

I will drink 8 glasses of water every fucking day and take my damn vitamins.

I will not take laxatives or diet pills.

I will not eat fast food or sugary things, except once in a very very great while. I do not need to eat it. It just makes me b/p.

I will take it one day at a time. If I mess up I will start over the next day. I will not use a minor failure as an excuse to do myself in, or to fail repetitively