love is all there is...

I finally lost some weight. I wish it would come off faster.

Hmm what else is new. Oh, so my date is really sweet and funny. The guy does tattoos and works in Best Buy. He also used to do hair (how great is THAT!). He is going to go with me to get my tongue pierced, and giving me a free tattoo on my wrist. I can't wait! He also brought me chocolates and a card, and of course I am weak and ate the damn chocolates. They were good, though. I havent purged in three days. Even though I ate all that food, I didn't purge. Some came up on it's own, but nothing major. That, at least, is a victory.

Last night I laid in the center of my bed curled up in a fetal position and I actually cried. Damn, it took some real work to cry. It was really hard. Crying should never be so impossible when you really need to, when the searing pain in your soul, your heart is so much that you can't breathe, that you are paralyzed in pain. You see, I kept seeing flashbacks of some of my past experiences, intertwined with visions of needles piercing my veins. It all started when I started thinking about the blood tests I will get when I get my annual pap smear. Last time I had to show them where a vein existed to put a needle in. It is very triggering, and I am afraid. It made me cry. Cry at myself, because it makes me sad that I still want the sharp kiss of a needle popping through a fat vein. It made me think about things I don't want to remember, like Jimmy and Johnny, and Steve, and Lisa and heartbreak, and lost souls and people I can not ever help. It made me think of Terence and Andres and physical and emotional pain...how they broke me, broke me into little pieces time after time. I got past it though. I am ok now. I can write about those people and no real memories flashes in my head. I didn't cry much. I froze up when the pain got too intense and the memories started rushing in waves. When I felt overwhelmed, paniced.. hurt..dead... I locked them back up. Way back up. Perhaps they will stay gone a while now, so that I may live halfway sane for a time. I can't deal with them. I sat there in the centre of my bed in the dark and moonlight, whimpering and writhing and muttering, Please God, Please...Please God, no. I don't want to remember, please help me take it away. I was pleading, begging even.

In the end I had to lock it back up myself.

I can't wait to go out with this guy I saw last night. I hope that he will go out with me again :) He seems like a really fun, comfy guy. He is 28, with a cute dimple and blond hair. A little heavy set, which is just how I like my guys. They give great bear hugs that way, and I feel so safe...

It has been a long time since I liked anyone. Echoes of former loves, friends, and pains have been stampeding my mind for so long that I could not even bring myself to look at another guy or girl...I wonder why this is different. Maybe God is helping me. Or maybe my sister knows me better than I thought. Maybe she knows that I really need... something. A friend at least. I really do love my sister, obnoxious as she is. I can understand her being so cruel to me for so long. I was a fucking junkie after all. Who loves a junkie?(except me, because I understand.. I would love a junkie because there is a person in there, a person probably layered in pain and regret and lonliness and hopelessness).

To most of the world, addicts are not human. We do not have feelings, or pain. We are selfish fuck ups who set out to ruin so and so's life. We are losers. We have no will power. We are no one's. But I know better. I have known some of the scummiest of the scum, downright dirty birds...people that would scare you if they approached you, or people that would steal everythign from you and knock you in the head with a baseball bat. And they were really beautiful people. Some of the most lovely and achey souls I have ever met (oh how I wanted to heal them...) Only that part is always well well hidden from most. As I also understand, as it is something I practiced religiously... hiding within yourself. It's so easy to put on a mask, be what others expect to see.

It is so easy to use that mask to do things you don't like, to make the pain go away. Because no matter how bad you feel about what you do, it is always better than to face that demon in your head. Better to force a calm in the storm than to stand in the storm itself.

Well anyway, I have a rather annoying essay on fiction to write, and some Psych homework to catch up on so I guess I better get going. Time's a wastin'.

Happy Valentines Day (a day late).