love is all there is... | |
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10:52 p.m. || 2003-03-08 | Yesterday was total hell. I had taken some laxatives a day or so before, and then yesterday I took some (alot) of ibuprofen, and it hurt my stomach so bad that I could barely eat. I then had some sf candies (for their um effect) and that combined with the lax (which never kicked in, til yesterday, after my stomach was apparently eaten up by puking and ibuprofen) made for a total nightmare. I couldn't eat anything because it hurt when I ate, and after 12 hours I was left shitting water and lots of blood. Finally I took some tylenol pm and crashed out. The stomach still aches today whenever I eat. I binged and purged, however, regardless of the pain. Do I suck or what. Nevertheless I have been doing better about purging. Especially when I am with S. He has been keeping me sane lately. Now if I don't manage to accidentally (purposely?) off myself everything will be ok. Tomorrow I am getting my tongue pierced, hopefully. I am staying the night at S.'s house. I can't wait! I am really excited, and I think we will have lots of fun. We are going down to Little Five Points on Monday also. I plan to have a little drink on Sunday night, some Mikes Hard Cranberry Lemonade. As a recovering alcoholic, I can definately say I should not have that drink. As a distraught, depressed, and eating disordered individual I can definately say I don't give a shit right now. S. and I seem to be getting closer, and god he makes me so hot, but I am terrified of the intimacy. Everytime things get all steamy I back away. I know if I drink, I will not have the inhibitions (I turn into a little devil) but I also know that if I don't keep myself in check, I will do something I regret later. If and when we do get really intimate, I would prefer to be dead sober, not even have purged, because it will make it bearable. I will have been in control of myself. I won't feel as guilty, or embarassed, or self conscious. If I am under the influence of a recent purge (it makes me reckless and sort of high feeling and all emotional) or alcohol, I will feel guilty in the morning, and self conscious, and like shit. Which is something I have GOT to avoid. I emailed him about it, sort of, indirectly mentioning it anyway. I hope he is cool with it. I certainly don't mind some messing around though. Mmm. The anticipation is better than anything. I guess I am weird because I loved to be so turned on... and I hate when it ends. I would prefer to be turned on so often and intensely (over a period of time, like month or two..) that finally I can't stand it anymore, than have a little instant and not quite satisfying gratification. I was paranoid today that maybe he isn't really as nice as I think. I mean, I think I am getting all attached to him or something, and that scares me. Every man I have ever cared about was false, or screwed up in the head and we ended up in some fucking crazy situation. How can someone so cool and sweet and smart like me? Actually LIKE me? Maybe he doesn't. I wonder if he talks shit about me to his friends.. like calls me a bitch or something. Some guys do, you know. Talk shit, brag about how they are gonna get some from this *bitch* or that one. I don't think S. is like that, but god I have been dragged through the dirt so much that I am terrified, nonetheless. I really do like him so fucking much, though, and I hope that he is what he seems. If he is, damn I am lucky, and what did I ever do to deserve that? Anyway, I won't be able to update until Monday evening, so I will check in then. I usually only update every two days or so anyway, so I guess that is right on time ;)
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