love is all there is...

I am not going to eat anything at all today. Nothing. I swear it. I hate food. I hate everything.

S. is really mad at me. We were supposed to go out yesterday, and so we went, but were late to the movie (cause I got off work late) and so I decided I would go home and work on homework instead. He got all mad, saying that I seem preoccupied (which I wasn't). HE then went on about how I pay attention to everyone but him (i.e. my roomate Peter, cause I went in to say hi) and how I was ignoring him (I was eating some eggwhites, what does he want, a parade to acknowledge that he has entered the room?!)

Anyway, it was an ugly argument. He went on to complain about how he drives me around, and other things. I offered to never call him again, and hung up the phone. Makes me sort of sad, but it is ok I guess. I am used to no one being able to stand me. I don't deserve a boyfriend anyway, and my ED is easier to manage when I am alone. It doesn't help that I just confided in him about having an ED, and then he was all understanding (saying, oh I have friends that have issues too, so it doesn't bother me, basically). Anyway, whatever. I am going to stay in my little hole alone. Who needs him. Who needs anyone. Not me. I don't need anyone. Nothing. Ever. I just need to starve, and purge, and I will be fine. Everything else doesn't matter.

I finally got my thesis written for my essay. In just a little while I will be starting some rough drafting of it. I'm so happy I finally decided what to say about that damn play. It had me stumped for a while, about what perspective to take, but I got it now.

I feel like pulling my hair out and screaming, but I don't think anyone would hear me anyway.

I hate S. for seeming so sweet and caring and then basically stabbing me in the back with his selfishness and neediness. I hope he never calls me again. I feel like he lied about who he is. He used to be funny, interesting, cool, strong, supportive...but he turned all needy, crybaby, mean, and selfish, almost overnight. He lied. He lied he lied he lied. :(

I slept about 9 hours last night. I really needed it too, as I was exhausted. I will be working 6 days a week, about 30 hours per week give or take. I have been working since Thursday and won't have a day off til next Saturday. It is ok, though, I don't need a day off. Really. I need punishment for being such a fat ass. I disgust myself.

I will probably start updating this much more, maybe two times a day, since it seems to be helping me gather my thoughts.

Well, I guess it is time for me to jog and then get writing on my essay. I will write more later, this evening, while I am freaking out because I can't purge, to remind myself why I can't eat like a normal person (5 pounds in 2 days..cry).