love is all there is...

And then today at work I messed up a little. It was my first day on my own, and other than that one mistake I did well, but still... I feel like an idiot. :(

I really like my job. I hope they don't fire me for screwing up once. I would be devastated.

I think my tongue is ok, after all. It looks much better than when I was purging my brains out. I am sure it is grateful that I am letting it heal.

I am getting fat. I keep eating like I do when I binge/purge, but I can't purge. It freaks me out. I am going to fast all day tomorrow. Screw it. Coffee and diet soda and water only, followed by some laxatives, and diet pills. I gotta get these few pounds back off asap, before I flip out. I am about to panic seriously.

Tomorrow I should be able to finish my essay, and get some Psych done. I only work until noon tomorrow. I already have around 20 hours :)

God help me to not harm myself today. I really need to just be ok with myself for a little while, just long enough to get through this tongue healing, just long enough to get 30 pounds off.

I am so lonely, and sad, and ugh. I feel like the world is crashing on me, you know? I have no right to feel this way, though, cause so many good things are going on for me. I am totally selfish for feeling so craptastic when so much positive is in my life. What is wrong with me? (Yes, this damn question again.)

There are so many others who have the right to feel terrible. It just is pure selfishness for me to feel like this, when I should be gloriously happy and carefree. Sigh. I wish I had something really bad happen to me, so I had a reason at least to be this way. An excuse. An out.

3 strikes, your out...

Like baseball, only less fun and a lot more emotionally taxing.

And no way to steal home.