love is all there is...

I was up purging til like 3 am, and I had to wake up at 9, so that sucked, but I finally started writing in the journal that fighting for thin made me for Christmas. It will sort of be a new start for me.

My aunt called me this morning at like 8 am, and woke me up which pissed me off, so I yelled at Mom (oops). I feel bad about it now, but I can't really help how I act when I am asleep. Boy was she pissed off at me though.

My aunt wanted me to come to Germany in the fall, but I told her I can't because of school, so I will still be going at the end of May. I thought at first that she was going to cancel on me totally. I would have been crushed.

I figure if I can stick to my restriction that I can lose 20 more pounds before Germany which will put me at 105-107ish. Not as low as I would like, but it will suffice since I only have a couple of months. I will probably start updating this everytime I want to binge, to write down what I feel and think, and to talk myself out of it. I need to stop, if only long enough to lose weight. I am so fat! Ugh.

I didn't manage to keep anything down yesterday, except scraps of my binges lol. Bleh. I also tried out a toothbrush, which makes me cough and gag really loudly, so I won't be using one again unless it is an emergency or something. I am pretty effecient with my fingers and some handsfree stomach action.

I think I talk about this way too much. Seriously, I need to find other things to talk about besides my ED and my tongue.

Ok, so I have to work in a while, unless it rains before I go to work. In a way, I don't want to go, because it would give me 5 hours of time to work on projects that I won't have if I do go to work. But at the same time, I really really want the money, so I don't know...

I hiked up in the area behind my house last night. It was kind of relaxing, actually. I picked dandelions and blew the fuzz off of them and put flowers in my hair, which my cats tried to eat later and I ended up giving to my mom.

I pretended I was some magical thing on a mission, treking across some wild, untamed land... it was pretty fun. I am too old to play like that, I guess, but who cares. But after a while, I got exhausted and had to come in the house and take a nap.

Well, it is almost time for me to go to work. I am bringing an apple and a yogurt with me, and then having a salad for dinner. That should get me through the day. I will not binge. I will not purge. I must be cleansed. I must be thinned. (Hah corny rhyme blah).

Really, I can do this, right? *sigh*.