love is all there is...

So for today's update I bring you news from my attempts at recovery. As you know (or maybe you don't since I haven't been admitting to exactly how bad my purging has gotten over the last few months) I have been binging and purging sometimes for 6 hours or more a day. Usually 3-4 times, sometimes 5, sometimes 6...

Anyway, today I only have purged once, and it was just a regular meal really. Granted I haven't managed to keep much of anything down today, but at least I haven't purged 4 times.

I really want to get better. I want to stop this madness. It might take me a long long time. I am prepared to step into it for the long haul... Only, how do I know if I am getting any better? How will I know? I have been saying I want to get better and stop purging for god knows how long now, right? And then I got worse and worse...

But I am not going to give up, ever. I can't. I won't give up on myself. Even if everyone in the entire world gives up on me, I won't.

Is it progress to lessen the amount I purge? Is it progress when even for just one day I don't purge? Those days make me so proud, only to fail the next day and fail hard... I know I also need to work on the fact that if I am not purging like a maniac, I am starving myself. How can I deal with both? It seems to be so much... I can do it though. God, If i just dont give up on myself

I don't know where my head is at. It seems all over the place, but I know I want to heal.

Somehow.