love is all there is...

Last night I had a really bad dream, about shooting up coke... I dreamed that the needle kept slipping through veins, or wouldn't go in (as has happened in RL often enough when my veins began to collapse.. ) and then on my knuckle, I got it in the vein but the skin ripped and this orange squishy lump of fat came out stuck on the end of my needle.

It was annoying and now I am awake, and I want to go shoot up coke heh. Not that I will even try... I won't screw up my sobriety. The thought of it scares me. No matter how much I want to, the fear of being as I once was is an equally powerful deterant.

I also dreamed about my friend Lisa, well she was sort of my girlfriend and we hustled money together and started shooting up together, and I miss her like mad. I hope she is ok.

Bleh enough of that. I wish it would get off my mind. I think I will have to go get busy on exercise and dishes in order to get these thoughts out of my head. Why do I miss it so much, that life? Why do I remember it so fondly? Why would I give anything to see those people again, hug them, get drunk with them...Lose myself again in that life? It's so easy to get lost in it. To disappear... Perhaps that is why I miss it.

Anyway, my aunt called and said a friend of hers found some kittens nearby, so perhaps I will be getting one of those rather than the purebred Maine Coon I wanted. I guess when I get my own place someday I can get another Maine Coon :) I wonder if they will bring it home and surprise me, or if I will get to go pick the kitten out myself. Hmm.

I suppose I should get busy on my chores etc now, as my mind is driving me mad about Lisa, and my aunt and uncle left syringes on the counter (they are diabetic) which is making me positively foam. Sigh. I have been daydreaming lately about just sticking one in, to see if I still have the knack for it, to just feel the needle piercing, pulling the scarlet blood up, pushing it back... the heat, the rush, the joy, the fear, the racing heart... Maybe I could trick myself into thinking I was high.

But no. I won't do it. That would be like playing with fire. I would get burned. It would be too powerful and I would send myself into a drug craving frenzy... I am about to do it on memory alone. I must get this off my mind. To that end, I leave you.

I may uodate again later, or I may not, we shall see. At the very latest, tomorrow :)