love is all there is...

I feel like crap today. I feel like I ate way too much yesterday, and I took half a box of exlax last night rather than throwing up... It made me feel better at any rate, though I still feel absolutely HUGE and I know you can't lose any REAL weight with lax.

Today I am fasting. I feel so light and energetic when I don't eat at all, so clean. I can't deal with feeling like I have eaten, and yesterday I felt like I had eaten. It makes me feel dirty, like a little kid covered in mud and crumbs and god knows what else. I can't deal.

One good thing is that I got like, an insane amount of exercise done. I did 1.5 hours of jogging, 15 minutes of running up and down stairs, and my customary 300 situps, 200 leg lifts and 100 pushups.

Man I feel like I am suspended in time... each day is exactly like the one before, the only change is wether I eat a little, a lot, or nothing and wether I throw up or not. I haven't thrown up in like, 2 days, really. Some came up on it's own but I can't help that.

What if that doctor scale lied and I weigh like 140 or 150 or even 160 again?

I am so terrifed of that. I really really need a scale, any scale, and I can't afford one. I am panicing UGH!

So anyhow, today I thought I would take a long walk down in the country. It's looking a bit rainy, the sky is all grey and the air smells heavy and wet... It's not cold, though, but quite warm and muggy, and a walk would be nice. Maybe I will take my camera and make half assed attempts at photography.

I think my friend A. is coming to see me sometime when I get back to the states. What if he hates me? What if I get in one of those crazy, I hate everyone, leave me alone, go to hell, I'm so mean and tough and don't need anyone, moods and run him off? What if I can't help it? You all know how I am around guys. Sigh. Either way, it will be nice to meet him finally.

I really have a serious urge for tater tots.. I like to micro wave them and mix in fat free cheese... They get all smooshy and sticky and mmmmm. But, lord help me, I am not eating for the next five days. Damn it. And that is that.

Anyhow, I will be back later perhaps with another entry to detail today's misc. escapades. Ta ta for now. :)