love is all there is... | |
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3:49 p.m. || 2003-07-29 | I got a scale. Finally. It's a dial scale, in Kilograms... so it is hard to tell. I am not going to say how much I weigh here, anymore, though until I get to my goal. I can't bear it lol. Anyway, I spent half the day crying and cutting myself to pieces because my aunt was talking to my uncle on the phone and I heard her say something about me, about how I didn't (obviously) want to help out around the house anymore (she said this so bitterly.. I felt like a piece of dog doodoo).I just didn't do the dishes or the laundry for one day... I feel like they hate me. I guess that is what I get for being so lazy. I am so out of place, like a toad in the midst of hummingbirds. I just want to hide my face. When I finished my pathetic crybaby antics, I went and bought some smokes and decided screw it, I will quit when I get back to Georgia, when I can get some nicotine gum or patches or something. Smoking gives me something to hold on to, something to focus on when the feeling of being so wrong, so out of place, so... just there, gets too overwhelming. When I am pacing, frantic, with no direction.. with nothing to do...I can go smoke, and then I have a direction. I can leave the room and the place I am out of place in, I can escape conversation... I can escape dirty looks and whispers and snickers at my expense. I can run... and smoke. Stupid, but true. I haven't eaten today. I keep trying but I can't. I am too depressed. It's like a big black cloud is hovering over my heart, sucking out all the life in me and replacing it with dark pools of rot and hurt. I can even hear the thunder in those clouds, and smell the storm coming. I just want to curl up in my bed and never get up, let the storm wash me away... but of course, I can't do that. I'm so tired of trying ... Just want to float away, turn to gold and silver mist and shimmer peacefully, gently amidst the ghosts of traitorous life, flicker contentedly, teasingly amidst the wraiths of beatific death. I want to become something new, something free, something light and airy and beautiful.. anyone or anything but me. Last night I couldn't sleep. I have huge circles under my eyes from insomnia. I even take sleeping pills galore and they don't help. I wake up minutes after falling asleep. I think I will just give up on sleep and use the time to burn calories. Anwyay, I spent all night last night in the arms of bulimia, who is quite good company late at night when you are alone and desolate and sleepless. I am really worried about the fact I am being sued. I think I will have to file bankruptcy, which costs a bit (that I don't have) but better than being sued for something I don't really think I owe. I have some new poetry I will post maybe Thursday. It's called, How to Escape, so look for that soon.
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