love is all there is...

Something is weird. I want to be totally alone, like isolated.... I play online games all day, watch soaps all night, and barely sleep.

I was doing good about not throwing up, but last couple of days have been right back at it again, 1 or 2 times a day.

I feel so lost, so useless, sitting here all day with no job, no school, no direction. I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate everything about myself.

And I am so lonely. I don't remember really ever not being lonely, but I never let it bother me much. It bothers me now, though, makes me very sad, very weary.

I am like a willow tree, soft sorrowful branches floating helplessly in the wind, reaching to touch the sky, only forever doomed falling to caresse the dirty earth. Hopeless.

I dream of being beautiful, and graceful, slender... a sunflower on a slim, strong stalk....

A snowflake intricate and complex, amazing and unique, clean and pure...

Anything but me.....

My skin feels so tight, so suffocating, so entrapping.....

I want to take it off and hang it in the closet, so my bones can breathe... so my spirit is free...

Why am I so useless? Why am I noone, nothing? Will I ever be worth this life I live? Will ever be more than a burden?

A butterfly in my mind struggles to escape...

I hold her trapped there, dusting her delicate wings with misery....

She cries, rainbow tears of seething agony....

My fragile crystal butterfly...

You will never be free.

Intuition tells me that this is the way life will always be; I will sit here with cold coffee, at my computer, watching the minutes tick by painfully, wishing to be more than me...but less ideally, at least in physical presence, but more in mind and mentality...just out of reach..