love is all there is...

Neck muscles strained, sore... tummy rumbling...

I touched the stars, one by one...reached up through the silhoutted fingers of the trees... tried to find my destiny up there somewhere, in the mysterious heavens.

But the stars hold no hint of my fate.

Perhaps I will be one of those glimmering, brilliant, beautiful balls of scientific wonder some day. For now all I have is my imagination....

=======================

It's been way too long since I have updated. I am sorry for that. I have been hiding from the world mostly, disgusted by my body, at war with my mind, fighting my needs, my wants for food, for chemical substances...

I have stayed sober. At least, sober from coke and drinking.

I am still throwing up, of course, but it isnot often now. Perhaps once every 2 weeks or so. I panic, pinch that roll of fat on my tummy, run to the shower and ease the fear...

People tell me I never relax.

I felt so relaxed as I stood outside, staring at the stars, freshly out of the shower all clean and smelling like soap...calm from purging, pure...

Normally, I guess, they are right. I don't know how to relax in the way most people do. I can't just sit down and relax.

But occasionally I have moments of pure contentment.

I am having one now. I have had one since I took a shower late at night and my sister didn't bitch.

Tonight I get to sleep in a bed for the first time in, god, I don't know how long.

I had my sugarfree hot cocoa with a bit of creamer and watched Cruel Intentions.

And I felt content as I looked at the sky and caressed the stars with my imagination.

I hate tomorrow (today I guess, but the tomorrow that starts when I awaken is more what I am talking about) and its not even here yet.

I know this contentment isn't permanent.

And I know that I alone have the power to make it so.

But I can't let myself have it for who knows what reason.

===================

So for the boring update stuff...

Ill be moving sometime around the 15th of March. David already has the apartment.

I got a hospital bill paid off with financial assistance, so thats one less thing to worry about.

I'll be glad when all the moving is done and I can arrange my stuff just the way I like it, sleep on a bed, use towels I helped pick out and dish soap that I like.

It will not be perfect, nothing is, but maybe I can find myself a little.

And David will be there, so it's not as scarey as going out alone into the wild blue yonder....

I hate that I have no way to work here. So that will be another good thing, to be able to work and go to school and not rely on anyone in this household.

I must say my sister has been very amazing and nice lately.

She buys me dinner for no reason.

I can't quite figure out why.

I feel guilty about it.

Anyway, til next time (hugs and love)

:)