love is all there is...

................................... IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE ONE OF THE FOLLOWING: Family member David Robert Peter .... You can tell anyone anything you want in here, as everything about me has alreayd been exposed thanks! There is nothing new to fuck my life over with. I am not going to go get high, and I am not going to do anything fucked up to my sister or mom so sod off. That is all. ................................

I feel oddly pleased with how good I am at purging.

I forget how good I can be, if I am not doing itevery single day.

It is a sick , sad , scarey satisfaction.

The one thing I am good at is killing me.

I feel shakey and my chest hurts, the world is fuzzy and spinny. I am like high, I can't think.. my body feels like its being sucked into the ground..

But it feels ok.

I can't let this become an everyday thing again.

I try so hard to stop...

But how can I when it's all I really have been successful at? It's the only thing in my life I can do right

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I broke up with David today... I had enough of being treated like his puppet. Like I wasn't a real person. Like I was just an email address.

He would rather I do unspeakable things, I think, than help me with anything whatsoever.

He didn't really care about me. Not that I blame him. Who would really be able to care about something as fucked up as me? I am a mess, and I am the first to admit it. To him I was a fictitious girl, an easy relationship, a problem he didn't have to deal with because of distance.

A distance he whole heartedly embraced when I told him I couldn't move out to Oklahoma just yet, the relationship was too unstable..

He pretended to be sad, but we all could tell he was relieved.

I think the same is true now.

It's fine. I just feel so stupid.

A puppet..

It seemed to me he wanted me to change everything about myself, my past times, my life, to suit him.

To be his puppet.

His toy.

But he only wanted an copy of me.. a shadow image..

Nothing in reality.

++++++++++++++++

I guess I am just a puppet, but damn it, I won't be his puppet. Being with him lately was like being alone but worse.... more headache, arguments, fear, anger, and pain.

+++++++++++++++

Twist and tangle my strings,

bounce me up and down..

Make my mouth move, my smile fake,

my hand wave

my heart break...

Twist and tangle me

turn me into whatever I'm not...

A puppet girl

on puppet strings..

Being whatever you want...

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And so this applies to so much in my life.

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Anthony was there to talk to thankfully. As always.

I feel so guilty about that.

I often see what a pain it must be to have a friend like me.

++++++++++++++++++++++

I wish I could talk to Claire too, although not to complain... just to chat about regular stuff :)

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I won't be getting the money for my car for another 2 weeks.

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I'm so dizzy and my mind is flying and I am wired and high and confused and I can almost barely breath...but I am safe this way... Why is this pain such a sweet savior for me? LovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehateLOVEHATELOVEHATEPAINANGER FREEFEARCONTROLLOSSLOVE ALONEHATESAFElovehate lovehatelovehatelovehatelovehate..

The world is thrashing about me. So much noise...

Where is the calm in the storm?

There is a hurricane inside and I can't quiet it.

The empty rumbling of my tummy keeps the chaos at bay.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

For once a good bye made my day.

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