love is all there is... | |
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7:46 a.m. || 2005-01-14 | I woke up this morning about an hour ago, when my boyfriend got up to get ready for work, and found myself unable to get back to sleep. I decided to get up and make coffee, and refine my eDiet plan for the next few days to fit with what foods I have on hand. I begin to think, however, that there is some greater force at work that wanted me to see something. That something was an article posted on TF regarding a girl who died from a stomach rupture. I have to tell you that it scared the bejesus out of me. There have been a few times when I have been worried that I have bursted my own abused stomach of late. I thank God I saw that article, and I intend to use it to help me with my struggle to get better and follow my eDiet meal plan. I am really scared. And I think that is a good thing. I have a wonderful life now, for the first time in a long time. My family is proud of me and nice to me; I have a wonderful sort of second family here; I have a great school and impossible dreams to fullfill. I have a long life ahead of me, and I want so desperately to enjoy it, to savor it, to make it worthwhile. I don't want to waste it as I have been doing for so many years. I yearn for this. But for some reason it is a lot harder to get better that I ever anticipated. And that is what scares me. I don't want to die over the toilet at 25, with so much left unseen, undone, unexperienced. I want to go all over the world and explore. There are so many interesting careers for me to try out, and classes to take, and people to meet. God must have intended for me to see that. Maybe it will help me. I have really scared myself lately, and no one here knows about any of this so its not like I can ask for help. And risk losing everything I have here? I can't even confess for the greater good of myself. But I have conquered so many addictions and overcome so many trials in my life, I know I can do this. I can do anything if I want it enough. Then again, I guess there was always that chance, with the drugs, with the drinking, with everything, all along. But I beat it before it beat me. I have to do that here, too. And things are getting better all the time. At least I like myself most of the time now (well, once a week at least..) Anyway, just some random thoughts that ran through my head after seeing an article this morning about a dead 19 year old girl. I'm going to watch cartoons and work out, make breakfast etc, before I head off to sell books. -jo
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