love is all there is... | |
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11:44 a.m. || 2006-02-17 | Well, I skipped history today. No reason, really, except that I didn't feel like going. I went to workstudy instead. At least I did something productive. So I went to therapy yesterday, and it was a good session I guess. It reminded me that I want to get better. But God am I scared to get fat. I weighed myself today, and lets just say that the scale did not make me happy. I am tired of it ruling me! Argh. Why can't I just not care? Anyway, I am trying to recommit myself to recovery. As I can not really eat anything without wanting to throw up, I am trying a meal plan that I created and making myself eat certain *safe* food at certain times. I hope I can do it. Yesterday ended up a mess, with me eating a ton, throwing up only once, and gaining several pounds overnight. I am trying to forgive myself, though. It's hard, because I feel like a failure because I ate so much food. But food and weight should not define my success in life. I must keep telling myself this. At the same time, I keep thinking, how will I get this weight off that I have gained now? It's a big argument with me. Because then I think, why does it matter? But it does. Sigh. I am also supposed to be doing affirmations or some such, like saying I love you to myself. I tried it this morning. I felt like a dork. :) Sunday I am supposed to go see the kitten. I can't wait! Oh god, what if my clothes stop fitting me? Just last week, my size 1's and 2's were falling off. This week, they are fitting a little better. What if, next week, they are a tight squeeze? Why can't I stop thinking about it! I just want to be happy, eat a meal and not worry about my waist size. I keep wanting to post in the recovery forum at TF but I feel ridiculous doing it. Out of place or something. Blah this all sounds a bit repetitious. Anyway, I am trying to get my speech ready for next week. I am doing it on Yoga. I am not the worlds greatest speaker, but I will manage. Hopefully. I have a ton of papers due soon, which sucks, but if I can focus on work for school rather than throwing up, it will all be done in good time. Please God let me get a little better. Please. Well. That is all for today. I will update again soon!
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