love is all there is...

In today's news, I think S. (the guy I have been seeing) might be worth keeping. He is great to talk to and very patient and understanding, though I haven't told him about my ED.

Also, my psychiatrist rejected me and tried to refer me to another psych. who wanted to charge me 280 for a visit, so I am going to try my GP and see what he can do for me. Hopefully he can help me out with my depression/anxiety/etc.

It's pretty sad when you reach out for help and get rejected. Makes one want to crawl in a hole and die, you know? I guess I am not worthy of being helped. I guess I will have to help my damn self, as usual. Good thing I don't give up too easily, even when I want to. It really is hard to keep on going, keep on trying, keep on trying to fight the battle in my head. It's like world war 2 in there. In my desperation, I tried to call County Mental Health and they told me that bipolar and bulimia are not good enough reasons for them to help me. Bleh, they can fuck off. I was in a state of utter despair yesterday, but today (for some reason) I feel pretty ok.

I have a gynecologist appt. this afternoon, and I will write again this evening to update on how that went. I think I may write a new poem as well, so check back tonight for that.

Time for school (which I am dreading, because I can't concentrate on my homework, so I am totally unprepared for the *class discussion*) so I will be back later this evening with some more babbling and updates on my life and feelings.

I just want to add that I feel pretty, um is it happy (hard to say since I rarely am and don't know how it really feels)? So, I thought I would share that. I also am feeling good about my restricting, even though I had over 1,000 calories yesterday. I think I needed it, and I only purged twice in the last four days so that is better anyway. I am going to try and refrain from any real foods and definately carbos today. And I'm gonna try and hang on to this happy feeling, cause I know it won't last too long.

I am worried about my sweet fadetogrey. If you read this sweetie, know that I am thinking of you ok? *smooches*