love is all there is...

Anyway, I am going to refrain from eating for the rest of the day. God I feel so hideously fat today. I want to cry when I think about it.

I got some bad news yesterday... the court apparently tricked me. My charges, which they told me would be cleared when I ended my first offender probation successfully, were NOT cleared. So basically, I am screwed. I guess I deserve it for being so stupid. Even if I was innocent in the first place, and the court knew it. I hate myself so much. Damn I hate me.

It is such a beautiful day today. I feel totally lost. I don't know what to do with myself. I hate that. I hate it that I don't have anything productive to do, other than laundry and dishes. I want to crawl back inside my white and blue flowered bed and rub my toes in the sheets and pull the blanket over my head and fall asleep forever, hide in that warm safe thing called sleep... but even then, I am betrayed and robbed of my peace by nightmares.

What is a girl to do? I am so utterly depressed, world. Someone help me. I feel so totally alone. I can't express how much I loathe myself, when I look in the mirror it disgusts me. When I walk I look down at myself walking and am disgusted. I see myself like I am someone else. And it makes me ill.

I want to go home. I want to go back home and back to school and to some dead end job. I know school will never get me anywhere now, not with my record. They lied. I wouldn't have taken the plea bargain if I had known they would trick me. My life is a waste. Everything is pointless. Why should I even try to get anywhere anymore? I want to go back to school NOW but what is the point anymore? Every job I think I might want to do for the rest of my life has been blacklisted by the trickery of the Georgia State Government.

My mom told me to write to the governer when I get back. I bet he will crumple up my letter, laughing at my feeble plea for his help to make my life worth living, lean forward in his big red armchair, and toss the letter in the fireplace. He will sip his wine and cringe at the smell of burning paper, then he will forget all about it and let his mind wander on to something important.

Sigh Sigh Sigh.

Why can't I just be thin? I can't do anything else right. Why can't I have that? :(