love is all there is... | |
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3:17 p.m. || 2003-07-24 | Another day. I rub the sleep from my eyes, stretch to loosen up sore muscles and stagger downstairs for my morning cigarette. I stop halfway down, remembering that I quit. Today is the fourth day. I lean on the railing and pull myself back upstairs, pop some nicotine gum into my cheek, grab my water bottle. I sit on the edge of my bed for a while, waking up. I finally gather enough energy to go back downstairs, where I fix breakfast. Then I toss a towel over the bathroom window, throw up, and come back upstairs to the computer, where I sit for hours on end staring at my buddy list, trying to remember who twogreeneyes was on the tf, and wondering why she hasn't updated in so long. Wondering how FTG is. Trying to decide what to write in my update, trying to decide if I want to update. I decide I probably should. I start to make a cup of coffee, then change my mind. I pop a sugarfree mint in my mouth, wash it down with some not-so-clean looking water and 2 little blue water pills. Why do I take these things? I ask myself. I mentally shrug. The dog licks my hand. At 3:25 pm, I am still writing my update. I do not know what to write about. I briefly consider exercise. I want to exercise, but I have no energy. I think about taking a diet pill, then decide not to. I am already having enough problems sleeping. The tv is chattering away downstairs, and I sit here, barely able to move. I feel so dizzy, and weak, and like speedy. I can't explain it. I want to eat lunch, but I don't want to throw up. I decide I won't eat it. I remember I am not supposed to talk about my eating issues in my diary. Staring out the window, I get distracted from this line of thought by the grey clouds that want to rain, and the sharp, tangy burn of the nicotine gum in my mouth. I cough, taste blood, scratch my ear. I decide I will go exercise after all. Exercise, drink a coffee, then I will go read perhaps, or come back to the computer. I am feeling antisocial and ugly, and don't really want to be in my aunt and uncle's room when they get off work. That is where I am now, at the computer, trying to figure out what to write. My hands are shaking. I pinch my stomach, suck it in under the ribs. I think about B. and wonder what he is doing, wonder why he still talks to me. I ponder Christmas and wintertime, and think it would be cool if I could see him when the world is all snowy, when I look cute in a cozy sweater, when it's ok to drink hot cocoa. I look at the words I cut into my thigh yesterday morning. I want to go back to bed and never get up. I think, At least the tears finally dried up. But then, I remember that they are still there, just on the inside where no one can see them. On the inside, they are safe. I decide that I will go exercise, again I decide this, and still I can not bring my body to move. It just sits here, being lazy. I don't feel so good today. I haven't even taken a shower. The thought of a shower sounds appealing, and I decide I should go exercise so I can take a shower and go back to bed. But then I remember you don't burn calories when you are asleep, so I think maybe I should just go sit on the bed and stretch until tomorrow morning. I am tired and sad. I stare out the window, and the clouds want to rain, but they haven't. They have been wanting to rain for 2 days, and haven't. I think I can identify with those clouds...
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