love is all there is... | |
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12:30 a.m. || 2003-09-22 | Empty bowls, crumbs, disgarded food, empty Diet Coke bootles, and crumpled, stained paper towels litter the top of my dresser....towels crusted over with vomit and washrags with mucus where I wiped my hands, my nose, lay heaped in my laundry basket... 2-1 gallon freezer bags...3-1 quart freezer bags....3-8 cup tupperware dishes...snuggled hidden in my mismatch purple trashcan, under my bed, anywhere I can find to put them...terrified of backing up the sewer system...so aware that mom can not afford that mess right now... The stench of putrid food surrounds me... I light a wax burner, a candle, anything to block it out, to forget... I am a failure. I am so afraid to eat and keep it down. I tried, for a while, but I just can't do it anymore. The sore on the back of my hand, not so long ago almost healed, is reappearing... the sore that once split painfully, seeping. searing, everytime I thrust a tired hand down my throat...has come back.. And I don't have the money for this. I have wasted everything my mother bought to feed us. It is my fault that when she looks in the cup board she has nothing to eat. We are so broke, and I am making it worse. What kind of monster am I? Tomorrow I am not eating. I can't do it. I'm so tired of trying, so tired of the fear, the panic... the heaviness... Nightmares torment me constantly night and even day; nightmares of search for a safe place, for a kind face, for comfort... Nightmare of food, and horror, and lonliness, and failure... Nightmares of past nightmares...sickening tragedies relived, over and over and over...will my old pain never let me be? Can I never forget the cruelties thrust upon me? It must be punishment... punishment for being such an abomination. I am a nightmare, a horrible concoction of a being... a thing... I am so terrified of what I was, and what I want to be... And more than that, what I am. Terror... it is consuming me... I am so sad, so very sad, I want to just go... go away.. forget this life, try again... Please? Please let me start over... wipe my mind of what I am, what I was... I want to be new, fresh, as a babe covered in mucus and blood, just borne... so unaware of what life really is... so unaware she is dying even as she takes her first breath.. Who am I pleading with? I don't know. I think no one even hears me... No ever has. In silence I am destructed... In silence I bleed...
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