love is all there is...

I keep falling back into this pit, this rut...this hole in my heart...

I can only hope that I will eventually fall into it less and less...

David helps a lot, but, it is still there. I am not sure anymore if it's the cause or the effect of my past drug use, or my current ED... perhaps neither. Perhaps it is a seperate thing, a second me...

I've been in a terrible mood the last couple of days, but today I am determined to do something to get myself out of it. I can't just sit here and rot in misery.

Sometimes I think death would be a welcome oblivion, but, I have too much I want to do... and I want to be with David, and I can't do that dead obviously.

I don't really even have any reason to feel like this anymore. All the real problems I had are gone now. All that is left is a ghost of them in my mind, a tendril of disturbance that is memory. But even this minute reminder drives me close to madness.

I have faith that everything will be OK though someday for me. I am, however, starting to think perhaps my mother should have named me Melancholy *snicker*.

I had to reapply for school, and have heard nothing about it...

I also have been slacking on my diet, and eating bad things... not always even bothering to throw up (although still averaging 1-2 times per day..). Sometimes I use lax to make me feel better, but, we all know that doesn't really do anything.

So today I am going to exercise, clean my house, plan my foods very carefully and pray that today is a good day. I need one. Just one for now will get me through the madness in my head.

I don't understand why these demons chase me still, why I panic in real life situations that I should be able to handle being that I am an adult. It frustrates me, makes me feel like I am ... less... of a person. I wish they would all go away, the panics, the demons, the fear and sorrows...

In time perhaps. I have a lot of wounds that are still gaping open. They have just been covered in gauze and forgotten so long... they fester now.

There is still a broken arrow in my heart... the rusty head buried deep..

Alas, that is all for now. I will start updating more regularly.