love is all there is...

back and forth
7:50 p.m. || 2004-03-04

Slowing shifting into focus... sliding like glass shower doors back into place... overlap erased. Confusion becomes clarity. Everything becomes so easy.

+++++++++++++++++++

Somehow I have found myself. I have found my control, my salvation in that is very clear to me.

++++++++++++++++++

For the last month I have screamed , throat bloody, no sound escaping, the soundless howls deafening in urgency. I have run paniced through the hollows of my mind, the dark corridors of horror...realization that I have lost control ... Oh. my. god.

I have cried dry tears as I watched my body gorge itself...

No longer.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Monday I couldn't keep anything down. I wanted to but everything seemed too much. Too much. I kept telling myself, that it is ok to maintain this weight, it's a healthy weight.

But panic has set in for a while now has been eating me up.

All I could think about was hideous fat.

It's all I can think about.

It consumes my every thought.

I didn't keep anything down. There was a midnight frenzy, eaten in a panic of ..what??... that I purged... swirls of spaghetti in the drain...

Tuesday nothing...Yesterday I had some french fries and 45 calorie hot dogs at 10 pm or so...

I wanted to fasttoday but family is trying to feed me and I don't want them to think I am not eating normally again. I can't handle the humiliation.

So I had 3 tbls of sliced almonds.

And a banana.

That is all I can eat.

Chicken is baking in the kitchen. I said no I dont want any.

The screaming has ended. Sweet emptiness has taken its place.

This madness that comforts me, that drives me insane, in a circle that never ends, skipping like a broken record in my head, my heart.

I have been purging a little also... Though not today, and only once this week.... .

I tried not to but I just can't stop myself. I can't help it. I felt so full, so gorged, so hideous and splitting at the seems..

I ran horrified to my back yard and purged there.

Last week I waited til everyone went to bed and did it in the bathroom.

And also in the shower at night before Gage went to sleep.

No one noticed. A soft sigh of relief , that.

But the colors of my mind run clear again, and I can focus, if on nothing else, on perfecting myself.

At the same time, I read what I write and think I have gone mad. I am sick.

What is wrong with me?

But I can't stop thinking about it.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Like a lost love that one remembers fondly... that one starts to pick up the phone to call, then changes her mind.......remembering why she shouldnt...love and hate...

It goes round and round in my head.

This disorder.

I hate it.

I love it.

5 minutes ago I wanted to eat normal.

5 minutes later I never wanted to eat again.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Pendulum swinging ..

back..

forth...

silvery pendulum...

mesmerizing.. hypnotizing...