love is all there is...

I really hate my life. I hate how nothing I wanted has come to be yet. And I KNOW it is my fault. All of it.

And that makes me so sad. Because there is no rewind button for this mess I have turned my life into.

++++++++++++++++++

Oh by the way . I won 1000 dollars. I was happy, because I need it now, to get out of here, but ... then my sister made me see I don't deserve it because I haven't been working in a bit, and because I had a drug problem, and because I have an ED, and because generally I am just a shitty person.

+++++++++++++++++

Wanna hear something really sick?

I miss my stepdad. But not for the good things about him.

I miss him hitting me.

I deserve to be punished.

I used to resent it, but you know, thinking back.. I can see that I deserved it.

++++++++++++++++++++

I ate too much today. I hate myself for it. Everyone is at home and I can't throw up. I want to so much. I am so upset and stressed out about David and my family and myself... and my lack of a future.

++++++++++++++++++++

Tomorrow I will write some poetry. I swear I will . I know I say it and don't sometimes. But I will.

++++++++++++++++++++

I try to talk to my friends when I am upset like this...

You know I feel like a burden. I know everyone has thier own problems.

No one needs to be weighed down with mine too.

Anyway, until tomorrow.

(Special hugs for Claire, I miss you).