love is all there is...

My kitten rubbed her wet, black nose against my hand, purring, asking me to get out of bed. Finally I submitted to the day, to my cat, to my mother. To life. Groaning and throwing the covers back, I stumbled out of bed, thinking about whether or not to eat breakfast. I decided not to. Being sick as I am, I had decided that it wasn�t necessary for me to get dressed, really, so I threw on one of the few pairs of jeans I own that are not too big and a shirt (which one, I don�t remember even though I just took it off a short while ago).

Then mom announced that she would go shopping with me. Great. I was totally looking forward to hours browsing the aisles, dreaming up food combinations, picking things up and setting them down in the wrong place. Reading labels.

Now I had to shop with my mother. I couldn't really avoid it, and she was being nice today, so I didn't say much. Besides, it�s always nice to spend time with her. It's not often I get her to myself, or her attention rather.

She drove, in her orange creamsicle colour truck (which I love, and which makes me think of orange tootsie pops, because of the hue of the orange... sort of burnt). We stopped at the bank, cashed checks and deposited money; I promised the people at the bank that I would come back soon and open an account (I won't). I grabbed a tiny candy cane from the counter and tucked it in the envelope that my paycheck had come in, for later.

Upon entering the grocery store, I was surprised to find that there were no food smells. Not the usual deli and bakery smells, anyhow. I was thankful.

My shopping list:

Diet coke

Mustard

FF yogurt

FF/LF granola

FF hot dogs

fresh vegetables

FF cocoa

LF bread

LF bagels

It doesn�t seem like much. But it turned into more. Not at this grocery store, however.

I wandered over and found mom near the bakery, and suddenly the scent of fresh baked cookies and cakes attacked me, made my head whirl. Made me dizzy with desire. C'mon mom, I said, this place is evil.

We headed to the checkout, which was lined up into the grocery aisles. I can�t even remember everything I bought, but I didn�t even get half my grocery list here. Only the vegetables, granola, LF bread, bagels, maybe something else. I can�t recall.

So anyway, I pulled mom over to the self checkout. I had been a cashier for years, and ringing up groceries was easy, I assured her. Simple. Let�s not wait in long lines. She sighed, complained how she hated self checkouts, and then complied.

I started to ring up something fat-free, then remembered that I had forgotten to scan the discount card (Kroger Plus!). I had to go to the center podium and ask the woman there to reset the computer scanner. She gave me an irritated glare (mom would say later that the woman was mad because I made her actually work. God forbid she had to leave her fucking hoity-toity podium).

Then I got confused when I started ringing up items, and rang up a bell pepper while sticking the cucumber in the bag (confused because the bitch was yelling at me across the store). The bitch from the podium rushed over and started getting in my stuff, thinking I was stealing. Everyone in the store started staring. I started shaking. I was fucking nervous now.

Then she yelled out some number, and after 3 shouts I realized she was shouting to me: the number of the bell pepper.

No big deal right? Well the lady was glaring at me; the whole store was staring at me. I was humiliated.

I finished scanning my items, paid, and then did moms.

On the way out, I stopped at the podium. I looked at the bitch, who ruined my shopping trip, thinking that she needed to learn some customer service skills. I told her that she was very rude. Then I thanked her. And walked out.

Later I went to Publix to get the yogurt I didn�t get at Kroger (nothing low cal enough there for me ) only to find after 20 minutes of picking up yogurts to read their calories and fat and sugar content, that they had the exact same selection.

Finally I settled on some plain Vanilla, fat free sugar free Light and Lively. 120 calories per serving. Fair enough, I would only eat 1/2 or 3/4 of a serving. Light 85 is only 80 calories per serving, but I didn�t feel like going to yet another grocery store.

I wandered the aisles, picking up food, setting it down. Sugar cookies, muffins, cake mixes, different crackers� etc. I know that people who work in grocery stores hate people like me. But I couldn�t help myself. I have to attempt to buy it, and then talk myself out of it. I didn't need that, or that had too many calories. It will make me binge and puke. I hate puking. So I can�t binge. So I can�t buy it. Put it back, I tell myself. Then I do.

I got some low cal tuna and canned crab, FF saltines, FF whipped topping, low cal pumpkin. FF Mayo, diet coke.

Found my fat free hotdogs. I spent about 2 hours there, or longer. It felt like just a few minutes.

So I am set for the next two months.

I have finals coming up on Monday, and I haven�t been to school or work since like Tuesday last week. I am not prepared. I know I will fail. If I fail, I will fail the class. I must get an A. I *can not* fail. I will die if I fail. Literally. I laid in bed last night, at 3 am, trying to sleep, voices whirling in my head taunting me with my laziness, because suddenly I remembered that during my sickness this weekend, I forgot to check the number of the room my final will be held in. I will fail. I will be late, and fail, and everyone will laugh.

I need to learn to be more organized. I feel like I am out of control. Like I need to do something, that there is something I *did not do* that I *have to do* and I missed it and messed up and everything is going to come crashing down.

I haven�t been to work this week either, except one day. I don�t mind, other than the money. I really need the money. There is also the fact that I feel like a lazy bum. I am a lazy bum. So I exercise, to pass the time. Endless hours of leg lifts. Spurts of jogging, crunches, stretches, squats. Soup only diet. 300 cals/day.

I�m too sick to eat, right? Yeah.