love is all there is...

Forsaken and unborn.

Work was nice today. It felt so good to work hard and I was in a tolerable mood for once. I didn't even get really aggravated at anyone, which is good. Of course, they usually do not know when I am aggravated anyway. It would be rude of me to let a customer or co-worker know that they annoyed me.

So far I am doing well. I have consumed less than 100 calories right now. Mom is making dinner, and I will throw it away. It smells heavenly, but I have to do what I have to do you know?

I can't wait for Peter to get here, so he can go shopping and bank with me. I hope they let him put my name on the account. My credit is so ghastly. I will never attain an account of my own if this doesn�t follow through.

I almost snapped at mom, but I reminded myself how it is not fair to her to take my unpleasant mood out on her. I can't let her irritate me. I need to chill, let her be happy. That is important. My psycho mood swings will do as I say, damn it.

I was thinking of getting medicine for my hypo manic depression, but I have decided I do not need it. I am just fine without it. I can manage, I will manage. Also, I determined that I don't need therapy or friends. My online friends are good enough, and then Peter is a friend (even though I don't feel comfortable talking to him freely because I know he likes me� it makes me a bit uncomfortable in general). He really is an adequate friend, and patient. I imagine that he will kill me when he reads this!

I had a weird dream last night. In it, I had a sore on my eye and I squeezed it (like a sty) and all this stuff came out. Like a stream of some healing stuff, some body fluid but it was not pus. It was weird. People were coming to my eye to get the stuff so they could use it for some scientific purpose or another. I can't remember the rest, only that it itched and I squeezed and squeezed and it never would go away...

At least it wasn't a nightmare like I usually have :)

I purchased new pillows today. My old ones were revolting. I have had them for like 10 years *laugh*. I despise throwing things away� it seems like such a waste, you know? But, alas, I was more paranoid of calories seeping through or some germ or disease (Yes, insane I know) than I was concerned about waste.

I have also decided that I will keep my calories under 200, rather than 100, for energy purposes. But today I am sticking with 100 :D I was just infuriated with myself last night for binging when I haven't lost any weight in a week or so. Fortunately, I didn't gain. I lost .3 lb which made me happy. It also helped that the hot buttered rum I took a sip of made me so ill that I barely had to try to purge up my previously binged food.

I hope tomorrow to have lost another half a pound. That would make me fairly pleased for tomorrow. If not, then I will just find some thing or another to take away from myself to make up for the failure. Like the computer :)

Wow this is quite an extensive entry, and I didn't really write anything great or grand or inspiring in it (why do I always think I must write something terribly creative in my diary!?). I have been journaling this too much lately, not mixing in enough creative writing I think. Ah well, I will try to make up for it later down the line.

I feel rather annoyed at present, but I am trying to keep it in check so I don't upset my mother. She threatened to throw me out again last time I upset her. I don't need to get thrown out into the street once more. It was bad enough the first few times. At least this time I would be old enough to be out on my own, but financially I am not secure. I am about to lose my job, heh.

Tragically, it is time for me to exercise.

I sincerely hope that whoever may read this has had a delightful New Year!