love is all there is... | |
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12:27 p.m. || 2003-03-01 | I had a great time last night. S. is amazing, and sweet, and funny, and I am so damn comfortable with him. It's almost like I have known him forever. He kissed me once, last night. I am not sure how I feel about that. I feel kind of shy when I think about it, and I am sure I will feel more bashful when I see him now. We held hands and such, which is something I haven't done in a very long time. Definately this is going to take some time, since I am so used to isolation and such... But it is nice to have someone to hang out with. We went to see a movie, Final Destination, which was ok. The first was better, but this one was entertaining anyway. I decided not to take the job at Wendy's. I am trying to stop binging and purging and I am terrified that it will trigger me day after day (and 100 percent sure it will...) so I guess I am back to looking. I didn't purge at all yesterday, which makes me feel so in control of myself. I only had 2 salads and some jelly beans (I am so addicted to jelly belly's!). I am down two pounds since my weigh in yesterday morning (!). Mom bought a new workout machine, so now we will have a treadmill and something for resistance/aerobic in one. I also have a free weight, and an exercise ball, and yoga kit, and ab roller so I should never have to go to the gym again (but I am sure I will sometimes, for a change of scene and because I love the automatic treadmills.. ours is manual ugh). I am kind of floating around today. I feel sort of ... non. Know what I mean? I keep trying to find reasons to cancel my doctor appointment. I am depressed, and having hell with anxiety, but I am scared to go. That and I am b r o k e. Mom offered to give me 100 bucks on the 15th. I really can't say no.. but god I feel so fucking guilty. She has been giving me jewelry and stuff too lately which is odd because it is something she never does. I feel so guilty. I don't deserve gifts. I have nothing to give her. I plan to eat very lightly today. I am in control. I am not even hungry. I will not allow hunger. All I have had so far is a bowl of puffed rice (1/2 serving with a touch of skim milk) not like anyone cares or it really matters. I am just proud of it, so I guess that is why I am writing it :) Anyway, I'll probably add another entry later today. I have been feeling like talking to someone, and there really is no one but S. to talk to (who is surprisingly easy to talk to, only not about my ED since he doesnt know). Thanks to those who read this. I know I do not respond in your diaries enough. I have just felt so drained lately. Please understand. You all mean alot to me :) Without you I would be, as usual, talking to my damn self.
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