love is all there is...

I start my new job today. Turns out I will be getting about 30 hours, rather than 10, which totally made my day yesterday.

I haven't been doing so hot on not purging this week. Yesterday I binged and purged multiple times, and the day before once. My throat is killing me, and I cut the back of my tongue on my teeth, but I am not giving up. I will beat this somehow.

I have been maintaining this weight, mostly, for the last couple weeks. Not bad, I guess... better than gaining. Still, I want to cry every time I step on the scale and see the same weight.

Fruit is the most delicious thing ever. I am having a small portion of teensy cut up apples, bananas, and grapes for lunch. With diet coke, it is almost like a whole meal. I also had breakfast today for the first time in a while... an eggwhite omelet with a slice of non dairy cheese-like stuff (it is delicious.. it's called Smart Beat).

I feel compelled to find some positive thing to focus on, so I am going to make a list at the end of this entry, and that way maybe I can remember that everything is not horrible and bad even though it feels like it. Speaking of bad, I was panicing and so anxious the night before last that I did something I thought that I had beat. I cut. 16 little slices with a razor blade on the inner left ankle. Thankfully, I didn't do them too deep. I have to be careful though, as I have a tendency to cut really deep. I use those shaving razor blades, which I remove from the actual shaving device and they slice so well, so clean. It is very easy to cut a mouth like ribbon with very little effort, and I usually do. I held back a little bit, though, since I am technically supposed to have stopped cutting...

My boyfriend is worried about me. I guess he doesn't understand my moods. I have been flipping back and forth between manic and depressed like crazy for the last week. It is almost unbearable, for both me and people around me. That, combined with my overwhelming need to stick a needle in my arm, and the cutting, and the purging... it's all so much for me to handle. Why do I do these things to myself?

I guess the answer to that is, logically, that it must be some sort of issues with my past or something that I have not dealt with. That is no suprise, as I really haven't dealt with any of it. It's just too damned hard, you know? I guess it will all work out somehow. That, or I will end up dead (hopefully not, I am not feeling particularly like dying just yet..).

Anyway, enough rambling. I am in a fairly good mood today. I only have to work like four hours, which is great. I really want to tackle this essay soon. The sooner it is out of the way, the better.

On to my list (notice I rambled on after I meant to stop, lol!). I think I will start with some negatives, just for contrast.

In no particular order, the evils that keep me going (odd, I know, for such things to seem, in my mind, to keep me alive when in reality they are probably killing me.. ):

1) Eating disorder. This needs no further comment.

2) The mania/depression I deal with everyday, unmedicated, along with extreme anxiety.

3) My drug addiction, though I am not currently a practicing addict (lol, practicing... sounds so formal).

4) Feeling of being alone...(I thrive on this, though I hate it..).

5) Memories (this is a big one) of rape, of being beaten (by both family, and boyfriends), of no place to go, of selling myself for 20 dollars so I could eat or get high, of being sent away and thrown away by family, of being not good enough ever.. so many things really.

6) Cutting (another self inflicted evil..)

7) Nightmares (yes, sounds stupid, but they are really important, as they are severe in a most disturbing way.)

8) Smoking (I can't seem to quit..)

9) No money (this is frustrating as hell)

10) No self control (damn it).

11) Bleh I could go on, but 10 is enough :)

Positive things in my life, in order of importance.

1) My cat. She is my soulmate.

2) College. I will get somewhere, damn it. My demons will not ruin what I could be... they have already ruined what I was, and am.

3) The forums, TF... the friends I have there. I wish I knew them in real life. I wish I had the courage to know them in real life.

4) My trip to Germany that is coming up (Wheee!)

5) The seasons. I love them all, how they change... so beautiful.

6) Family (though it is mostly because they think I am *fixed*, because if I let them know I had issues they would turn on me as they always have...)

7) My books... I love to read, and I have a shitload of books.

8)Ran out of things.. ah well.

Well, that is something at least. I don't really feel that my family is a positive thing, except that they have been definately negative for so long, that the way we are now (though forced, falsely happy, based on the mask that I wear, the one that claims I am ok..) is better than in the past.

I have to get ready for work, soon. I really wanted to write up a new piece, but I haven't had the time or motivation lately. Hopefully soon...

Wish me luck at my new job !

I just want to send a special *muah* and *hug* to M. (you know who you are ms. anon no more) for always always caring, and letting me know you care. It is very important to me. Thank you.