love is all there is...

Try not to Think

And you thought

life was so grand

as you sat in the wooden rocker

on the porch

smoking too fast, yesterday evening,

Twilight weaving silver

in your disheveled hair,

you thought

everything would

be O.K.

But at dawn today

you woke startled, from a too real nightmare,

room still semi dark and

heavy air making you

cough

and you lay in your

bed staring

out the dusty

window, catching the

remainder of night's moonbeams

in your peeling and callused palms;

you thought, suddenly,

that it would

never be O.K.

Today the sun

might rise,

bold and bright and hot,

but maybe, you decided,

this evening's

clumsy sunset would be

the last in your

world.

And you laughed

brilliantly, surprisingly,

a deep chortle that hurt,

and you realized

this would make it

O.K.

Well yesterday we went to see castle Wolfenstein, and also a castle in Prunn that was absolutely spectacular. It was set on the very edge of a cliff overlooking a river (forgot river name hehe). We got to go inside and have a tour, and lots of original stuff is still in there. I want my own castle.

After the castles we went to the birthday party of one of my Aunt and Uncles friends. I ate soo much. I hadn't meant to eat, but then I did, so I went home and purged, and then tried to go to bed. Only I couldn't sleep.. sooo I started another binge, as I am wont to do, but then !!!! I fell asleep in the middle of it. I ended up with at least 1k calories stuck in me. UGH. I fucking hate myself. I have done that like 3 times in the last month. It's like I am drugged or something, I don't even remember falling asleep... and I leave a mess everywhere, which is something I never do. So today I am fasting to make up for it.

I slept so late today. I didn't want to get out of bed. I have had no energy at all lately. Sometimes it is hard to walk up the stairs! Bleh.

Anyway I feel a little better after so much sleep, but I still want to go back to bed. I also feel supremely depressed. Did I mention I started cutting again? Ah well, I did, but not much... just did 7 cuts with a razor broken from a shaving razor on my inner ankle the other day. I was tempted to do more, as I usually do, but I stopped. I usually would use my arms, but damn, they are so scarred up already, and so are my ankles, but I can always put on socks...

Well anyway, I shall return tomorrow I suppose hopefully with something more interesting and inspirational than what I have written lately. Where oh where have my writing skills gone, oh where oh where can they be?? Are they in the toilet with my sanity?