love is all there is...

Anyway, so some good news I guess... My Grant for 3,800 will still be good if I don't use it this semester, as long as I use it during Spring and Summer. Summer semester is hell with only 6 credit hours, and I will have to take 12. Yikes.

I might lose the work study opportunity. It depends if anything is available still at the start of next term.

I hate my ugly skin. All my scars. I hate them. I had a dream that I was eating and eating and I popped at the seams of my scars.

This morning I imagined I met a genie who granted me three wishes, and I wished for perfect teeth and skin, and to be 90 pounds, and then tried to think if the teeth + skin in one wish would be two wishes, and if it wasn't I would wish for 1million bucks, but if it was I would say screw the million bucks just to be beautiful and have smooth perfect skin and no scars and perfect teeth. Yes that is so shallow, I know. I can't help it. I absolutely loathe myself. Stupid keratosis pilaris. Stupid post-drug recovery weight gain. Stupid stretch marks. If I was rich I would get them lasered off of me, and get my teeth perfect. I am scared of doctors though, and not sure the dentist would give me general anesthesia or not because of my disordered eating habits. I am not thin though so I could lie, I guess, and they would never know. Not like I care I guess if I die. But someone else might, I guess.

Anyway, I am rambling yes, today I feel like rambling. I am trying to decide if I should weigh myself at the gym today or not. I know I weigh a million pounds. I know it. I am so sure. I feel like a stuffed sausage today, like my insides are going to burst out of my ugly skin at any moment. It is a gross feeling.

I only slept for like, 5 hours last night.. I was up til 3 am doing exercise and then it took me a bit to get to sleep. I started to varnish this patio set my aunt got, and I did dishes and laundry, but I still feel like such a slacker.

I also feel extremely guilty that I haven't been keeping up with diaries the last month or two. I am such a selfish pig, ugh. I am so sorry. I have been reading the last couple of days to catch up. Gimme a week or so and I will have caught up on everyones latest news.

I miss Peter.

I was thinking today that I have major guy issues. I love to make them want me. I love to drive them crazy. But I don't really WANT them. Once they want to be with me, I drop them like a hot potato. I lose total interest... I feel almost like I hate them. I do start out feeling like I really care though...

I guess that is why I keep Peter as a friend only. I do not want to ruin that. I really do care about him, and I really will ruin it. It is how I am. It is how it must be. I do not know why. I am screwed up in the head. Destined to be alone, drifting...

I am 24 years old... I should be on my own completely, with a boyfriend, a few cats, an apartment, nice job...

I am 24 years old, and I just moved back in with my mom a bit over a year and a half ago. I am not finished with college. I do not have a boyfriend, or an apartment, or a house. I have a ratty old car and one cat and a tv from the 70's.

I wasted 6 + fucking years running away from myself and my pain.

I can not even feel pain anymore, really. I mean I start to, sometimes it shows up here in my diary, but I banish it immediately. I miss being able to feel. Anything. Anything at all. Anything besides this dull throbbing numbness.

I feel like I am nothing, no one, worthless, useless, hopeless, stupid. And ugly on top of that. At least if I was accomplished ugly wouldn't be so bad. I wouldn't need anyone.

Not like I can stay with anyone, even if they wanted to take care of me... and I want someone to take care of me. I have been taking care of myself for so long damn it. I am so tired.

Working so hard and I haven't gotten ANY damn where. Except sober, except behind. Its almost enough to make me give up.

But then I would be weak as well as all of the above. Can't have that.

In the next year, I have some goals I need to accomplish. The first one will be getting out on my own again. I mean I know I haven't live with my mom that much since I was, hell, 14 I guess (long story, that), and that I have been through some hard shit, but there is no excuse for me to be living at home (well at my aunt and uncles for the next 4 months, then back at home) now. I have been clean around a year and a half. I should be able to take care of myself again. I took care of myself when I was all cracked out. Why not now?

Because I don't want to sell my ass.

Because I don't want to be alone.

Because all those years I missed my mommy... but I would never tell anyone that I guess. No one who knows me in real life anyway.

Because down deep, it's *safe* at my mom's and I have craved safety for so damn long.

Because I want to finish school, and if I stay at her house, I can afford to do that. If I move back out again, I can not.

Anyway, enough mindless chatter.

Its a beautiful day and I am hiding inside. I think I shall go out to the porch, smoke, take a nap, shower and head to the gym.

Til next time :)