love is all there is...

I am so happy that all traces of summer are gone now. I love sf cocoa and piles of blankets and the chill in the air in the evenings.

I have been throwing up like 2 or 3 times a day for the last few days. But today will be a good day, I know it.

I am so close to breaking into the teen's weight wise... I can't wait!

David and I seem to be having problems lately... I think he just doesn't understand me. How I am. I am so moody and sometimes I feel clingy, but much of the time I want my space, you know? I hope he doesn't have some idealist vision of his future with me.. I mean I am far from a picture perfect girl, and I am definately not cut out to be a Susy Homemaker type of girlfriend/wife. I don't know...maybe I am doomed to never find anyone who can tolerate my manicness, my angriness, my need for solitude and my self destructive habits...the sheer misery of my heart which breaks me down and makes it so hard to care about anyone else the right way.

I am babbling I think. I don't think I am making sense at any rate. It's hard for me to express what I really am trying to say in regards to this whole subject.

I guess I just hope he doesn't think that I am going to be a 100 percent sweet, nice, cuddly, perfect girl overnight. Or ever. I doubt I will ever. I am too shattered for that to ever be a possibility.

I can not help how angry and annoyed I feel sometimes, how mean, how sad, how much I just want to be alone...

I love David, but I don't know if I can give him what he needs.

And so my heart sighs, the ice around it thickening into an ever more inpenitrable wall...

It's cold in here these last few years.

It's safe in the cold.

Safety...in solitude.. in a frozen heart...

Anyway, I will update again soon.