love is all there is...

I also have a speech to get ready and some history to study. Blah. Endless piles of work, these days.

Tomorrow I have to lead an open reading on the theme of love here at school. I hope people show up, but not a lot of people, as then I would be very nervous having to read poetry to them. I don't have to read my own, but I probably will anyway.

It's so cold outside today. The weather here is crazy. One day its 49 degrees and sunny, the next it is snowing and blowing icy winds. I miss summer!

The kitten hunt is coming along ok. I hope to be able to go see a kitten on Sunday, but I may have to wait another week or two. It is so hard to wait!

My mood has been horrible this week. I have gotten into a lot of fights with T. When I am depressed, or upset, or frustrated, I have asked to be hugged, and he says he "can't" and proceeds to do the opposite and totally leave me in despair, alone. It is awful. Can't he love me unconditionally? Why only when I am having a good day? I am so desperately lonely.

It is rather painful, and my therapist says I need to learn to care for myself instead of needing others to care about me, but that isn't so easy. I never cared about myself, and no one ever cared about me. One is, apparently, a direct result of the other.

I want to be loved and accepted, and this directly determines how I feel about myself. I guess I am not normal. As for love, perhaps I do not deserve it.

Sigh. I wonder if therapy is even helping. I feel like it is not. But T. says he can see that it is.

Truth be told, I am not trying very hard. At least, not since school started. I have too much to do, so no time for the hobbies I am supposed to be practicing (in order to motivate myself, fill my time, and enjoy life). And even when I do them, I do not enjoy them. It feels like tedious work.

Sometimes I feel ok though. Like right now.

I have therapy tomorrow, and a nurse appointment on Friday. Last time I saw my therapist he seemed frustrated with me. The time before that, he pushed me really hard and I was very upset when I left (though he didn't know that I guess). I dread this visit.

As for the nurse appointment, I hope she doesn't weigh me. But in a way, I hope she does. Her scale always puts me 15 lbs over what every other scale I weigh myself on says. I end up in a panic, running around all over town in a haze weighing myself. Silly, I know.

Well anyway, today is a pretty average day. Nothing spectacular going on.

Oh, if anyone knows any good Maine Coon or Turkish Angora breeders in the NEPA area or NY, leave me a note :) Stay tuned for name picking. As soon as I find my baby, I will be in need of some advice!

<3 Jo

PS Hugs to Claire and Lilac